The Human Auction

Throughout your life there are always people who tell you that thinking outside the box is bad for your well-being. They’ll tell you that now is not the time to believe in things, or to question authority because to do so is suicide. By this point, however, you will have fought many battles and are probably weary of the whole ordeal. You’ll realize that for once they might actually be right, that to survive you must sacrifice certain principles. So you’ll agree, “just this once,” and they’ll present you the box you’ve been evading most of your life. At first something will strike you as odd about it, but you won’t be able to place your finger on what exactly it is. As such, you will then present your arms to dispose of, you’ll present your dignity, personality, convictions and beliefs. But then, as you are doing that, you notice the shape of the box. On closer inspection, you notice the markings on it and then it dawns on you that this is not an ordinary box but a coffin.

To succeed you are told that you should deposit every one of your “objectionable characteristics.” You then realize that to do so you’ll essentially sell your soul. You’ll become a prostitute selling yourself to the highest bidder. Not only that, but it is higher treason than that of an ordinary worker in the red light district. At least they sell the use of their body; their mind remains intact. It is with this dismay that I write this. I am at odds with life. For the last couple of months I’ve been trying to prostitute myself with full knowledge of the fact. I’ve been bribed with the idea of a brighter future but there is a part of me that simply cannot stand this. As a consequence of this, I cannot fully betray myself and receive the rewards of doing so, nor can I be my own man and face the consequences. I am but human and I too fear for my own well-being.

I cannot be the hero I’d like to be. I quiver at the thought of the consequences, but I cannot bring myself to destroy the person that I am. It is after all for its betterment for which I want to do it in the first place. Either way, it almost seems that in one way or another, I’ll have to mutilate myself to survive. I have to pay my debt, one pound of flesh – no more no less.


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2 Responses to The Human Auction

  1. Nikola Djambazov says:

    A great deal of content in such few words.
    You have my approval, however little that may be of use to you.
    Knowledge is something that should come naturally, but it may be the case that we are stuck in some kind of deal where we should make it difficult for one other to obtain, all the while corrupting it for our own ends. Being on the receiving side of this, while being forced to give up little parts of your self to remain acceptable to the majority, is a violating curse. It is as if someone of a particularly twisted nature chose to modify a jigsaw: cut off one bit, glue it onto another… at the end, it still all fits, but it is mutilated to be nigh unrecognisable from what it once was. I’m trying to learn to be more accepting of this (the more you give in to negative emotion, the easier it is to add, remove… mutilate, it seems), but I will never be satisfied nor content for it.
    The only way I’ve figured how to push back on this sick form of predation is to remain as defiant as you can, and to clutch tightly onto a numbered few fundamental moral beliefs. As everything else turns to gray, remain in a supersaturated, insensible inner world of your own (at least this is the way it would be seen from the outside) and armour yourself with these fundamental incorruptible beliefs. If those fail, then it takes a literal miracle to save you. Just continue to hold on until you are given the opportunity to receive looser bonds, as little else but belief in the seemingly impossible idea of completely removing the shackles can really help you (despite the ridiculousness of such a notion). This is applied in practice in physical chemistry, for example: applying enough energy to a molecule can force it to release an electron completely. It is unfortunate, however, that this energy must be somewhat sustained, and that this form is, more often than not, more volatile than the previous form.
    Your two choices then can be worked out to be the following:
    a) Continue to attempt in maintaining this form, in which the stress of maintaining integrity will never lessen or disappear. You would be able to numb yourself to it, consequently, but that in itself gains the risk of shortening your sight as to how stable you are in said state. If you fail, you would likely end up falling into a mysterious ground state, where you would have to relearn the environment and choose to repeat the process or give it up.
    b) Attempt to find the most compatible and complementary party: bind to a single entity from which you can draw some strength. This is the more reliable of the two options, but comes with its own risks, such as possible incompatibilities and the need to rely partially on said complementary party, both of which can be severely debilitating to you. You are the most compatible with yourself, obviously, and thus exhibit the greatest freedom on your own, but you may need to sacrifice this in order to be better protected ‘from the elements’. If you or the complementary party fails, it will leave significant vulnerability that would take significant levels of time and energy to recover from, after which you can once again be given the opportunity to pursue these options.
    Perhaps there is a third option. I’ve not yet figured it out, due to the apparently dualistic nature of the subject at hand. My thoughts go out to you, that you will redeem what you are feeling you have lost, and that you will offset this cruel balance in your favour for as long as you can.

  2. Pingback: I Believe – A much needed criticism about the IB Diploma | A madman you say?

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